If You’re Still Wondering… Good!

CarolineBryan

Just a girl, following vibeys.

Structure is great. Until it’s not.

The entire idea behind this blog was to support flow, not control it. I was making this a chore, another task on my list of things to get done. And it kept falling at the bottom of the totem.

SO, I was thinking. So much of self-improvement advice focuses on habit building. The “do it every day until it becomes who you are” kind of talk.

But – I feel like that isn’t it. You can only add so many habits to your day, without them falling wayside or becoming a chore. I move best with flexibility.

I want to plant my energy where it will actually grow, 🌻 I love having the freedom to pick new interests up, set them down, and circle back when it feels right! No rules. No boxes.

I read an article recently- (Preface for future posts I read a lot of Articles, so, sorry not sorry for OD of info 🫣) – ANYWAYS –

It said even the things we do inconsistently. Think, new hobbies, new classes, the small creative bursts we get when we become inspired- obviously they still matter.

They add a little texture to our lives, diversity keeps us grounded in authenticity.

Instead of getting swept up in this perfect ideology of what disciplined should look like; we can lose ourselves in that box sometimes. – This is about allowing for fluidity.

Movement of any kind is usually a good thing.

And if you’re like me, where routines are where you tend to gravitate to, or thrive in. – It feels weird letting go and allowing yourself to roll with the punches- rather than being the one to throw them all the time.

It takes practice. I’ve just been practicing for years. (Thank You, therapy!) And only now, is it starting to feel better than the anxiety attached to needing constant control.

I’ve mistaken structure for success plenty of times.

When, really it’s just another version of control… dressed up as progress.

It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted thinking about it.

The last thing I want is to feel boxed in or controlled. So once again, I reframed the way I show up here. -Sheesh! 50 shades of Caroline over here! *mentally speaking*.

This space was never meant to be about proving anything anyways- let alone proving consistency, I just want to catch moments and live in them a little longer sometimes. Ya know…

I don’t want to force the rhythm; I want to feel it.

So whatever that looks like moving forward. Ce la Vie.

This is us… moving on

From self-referential to idea-driven. 🙂

I hate to admit it… actually, No. I really don’t. I am / working toward not being – influenced by a world obsessed with optimization.

Perfect routines, perfect rituals. Perfect this, perfect that.

I mean I get it- I’m a Virgo, lol – I have always been perfection driven.

I hadn’t really realized how addicted I was to that kind of control.

…. disguised as improvement.

At least not until I started writing about it.

Somewhere along the way, my self-work turned into self-surveillance. I was optimizing everything I could.

How I woke up, how I moved, how I mothered, especially how I mothered … how I ate, slept, and recovered… You name it.

Waking up before the sun, squeezing every ounce out of daylight until the night fell.

Burnout started to feel contagious.

Rinse & Repeat.

Just A Thought Tangent.

“If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.”
– bell hooks

We often mistake self-awareness for introspection, but they’re not interchangeable.

So much of what gets labeled as reflection is really extrospection – – performance disguised as progress.

Everyone thinks they are trying to win at healing.

Unpopular opinion. It’s not a competition.

It took me a while to see that in myself.

Eh hem. We love a self aware girlie!

I believed I was “doing the work,” and I was doing work– but initially, I was just narrating the story.

It was surface level, because I was only willing to go surface level.

I was only meeting myself where I was in that moment.

I didn’t know anything deeper.

Until I did.

I was still optimizing my “growth” in the same way I optimized my days.

Again, burnout became cyclical.

Some days a girl just wants to live like a little couch gremlin.

Go to therapy.

And ghost the world.

Not always be “little miss work in progress”.

Therapy helped me learn to ask questions again.

It helped rewrite my brain by rewiring the default from protective to adaptive-

I question anything and everything.

I have spent a lot of time reframing and repurposing all kinds of information & feelings over decades.

I feel like it’s refreshing. Being on this end of it. Almost 40 nearly 20 years of learning and unlearning trauma.

I’m proud of the foundation I’m standing on now. I’ve worked really hard to get here.

2 decades of rebirths, renaissance and Phoenix’s. 🐦‍🔥🪷🕊️

And here we are. Lol still working on it!

Happy to forever be a work in progress! (Most days) 😚

Sorry – sidetracked sally over here.

Moving forward.

Personal opinion ahead.

I think curiosity might be the last real rebellion.

And it feels like it’s becoming a lost art.

I just wish more people would lead with curiosity, rather than becoming so quick to be judgemental.

I think there’s something so magnetic about people who are curious for no reason.

Psychologically, curiosity is what keeps the brain flexible. It’s the opposite of fear.

(they activate opposing systems, in case you were curious) 😏

The minute we stop wondering, we start protecting– our opinions, our identities, our comfort zones...ect.

No wonder we get stuck.

I think that’s why I write, to stay curious enough not to calcify.

This actually hits on one of the books I just finished & I know, already talked about – 🙂

But it’s a good one. And relevant.

“Think Again” – Adam Grant.

The older I get- the more I want to keep developing this kind of mindset.

Intelligence isn’t measured by how much you know, but by how willing you are to rethink what you know.

Grant talks about that in the book.

I love that thought.

It made me realize curiosity isn’t passive.

It’s an active kind of humanity. It’s having the courage to be wrong and choosing to stay open anyway.

The art is in the pause.

Silence Please.

I HAVE QUESTIONS

https://youtu.be/6FI5Z_aw3Fc?si=XXFiRz3nC_jEGZI5

This is a cool watch! 🙂 🎵✨

I’ve been craving more quiet lately. Not peace and quiet- lol just quiet. The liminal kind, that isn’t demanding. I think it’s more just wanting a little space between my thoughts again. The world feels loud lately, not in volume, just in input. I miss hearing myself think.

I may be alone on this hill, but I loved LOVED living off the Blue Ridge, I would jump in my car and drive 2 hours one way and 2 hours the other- no reason other than to hear the wind coming through my window. My stomach still drops when I think about it.

That’s my kind of quiet. I get it when I hike or when we travel in the mountains… but it drowns out for whatever reason here. Here- energy is loud.

Sometimes it feels like everyone is in their own invisible current. The last thing I want is to be sucked into the wrong one… again.

Currently listening: “How Your Energy Shapes Everything You Attract” — Earn Your Happy podcast

Yes- it’s from 2024, but I think there is relevance still. Worth a listen.

I read another article , this one by Jeff Wetzler.

He talks about there being 6 “hidden” killers of curiosity.

Emotional Hijacking – when something cuts too deep, think; criticism, tension, shame.
The moment you feel judged or threatened

Groupthink – You go along to belong- everyone agrees so you agree.

Distraction & Mental Overload – Your brain is juggling too many, Curiosity needs space

Pressure for Speed and Efficiency – When every second feels like it needs to count

The Illusion of Knowing – Once you think you know, you stop asking.

Internalized Norms That Say “Don’t ask” – Somewhere along the way, you learned that asking questions is messy, risky, or rude

I don’t really think these seem that “rare” at all. More like, relatively common in today’s human expierence (I feel safe generalizing here). It’s like so many of us have learned to hijack that part of ourselves. We are on auto-piolt. Overstimulated, over-schedueled, under-wondered. Curiosity is fragile. And no one really reminds you to stay curious.

I am self-explaining why I am in fact craving silence. 🙂 – I am just confirming – it’s really just craving curiosity.

Life has been throwing a few tests my way recently – I’m using the opportunity to be curious rather than upset. Question the curveballs, ESPECIALLY! There is usually a lesson behind them.

Recently, I have been asking – What is this resurfacing for, what’s the trigger point? How do I navigate through it – so I find understanding on the other side!

I know myself, and I know I need an initial raw feeling to move through, first.

I need to feel it, whatever it is – then I can usually define it, or I can then, at least- inspect it.

I need to know where I stand, first, alone with it. Then I naviagte steps to move forward and past it.

Usually this helps so I don’t have to re-live the same thing over and over without any resolve. The more I practice it, the easier it is to get rid of any attachment that went with it.

Life is full of choices.

I’m just learning to feel mine – rather than follow someone else’s version of “right”. To pause before reacting. To listen to my gut before needing approval. To choose what actually feels aligned to ME, not just what may look good on paper or sound good to other people.

This version of my life is so expansive, intentional, & growth- oriented – I don’t have space for anything that doesn’t align with that. And I am OK with that.

There is a peace that comes with having a solid foundation to stand on. Even if I’m standing on it alone. (which I know I’m not… lol Love you, FAM! – but I know I would be fine, if infact there was a hill to die on.)

*solid battle every day- deciding if there is going to be that hill I die on. 🤣🫣

This week’s theme:

Do less, feel more, read something good.

So, I have officially reached my max for the evening. Follow up soon. – Until then,

I’ll link some fun reads and what not at the bottom.

Maybe you find something you like or made you curious.